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When pride and shame collide, you’re stuck in the wrong river.
The tone of the word “shame” shifts depending on context.
- “What a shame” is regret about a circumstance. There’s no verdict on the person.
- “Shame!” aimed at someone is a public correction, meant to stop a behavior in the moment.
Deadly shame is different. It churns inside you, keeping you in the wrong river.
As you will soon see in the following case, it’s not thinking “Oh no, that was a bad trade, I’ve made a terrible mistake” that lands you in the trap.
It’s believing “I deserve what happens next. Everyone told me I was too young, that I’d lose all my money investing beyond my ability.”
That self-talk is what stops you from picking up the phone and sounding the emergency alarm.
Alex Kearns, age 20, fell into a trap created by an email — sandwiched between shame coming from two directions.
First, the external audience shame: who are you, twenty years old, to be dabbling in those money pots?
Added to his own internal mix of pride and shame, convincing him that he had to solve this massive problem all by himself.
Silently. Before anyone found out.
Alex abandoned himself before he allowed anyone else to do it for him.
The audience shame stings. The internal shame drowns.
No one of any age could have handled his situation alone. No one.
What’s the difference between the River of Shame and the River of Grace?
Floating in the River of Shame gets comfortable. People get used to explaining why they are there. After a while, they stop looking for an exit to jump through.
When you believe you deserve to feel shame, the trap sets itself, and you get well and truly stuck. It’s like you’re doomed to remain in the one place where your problem cannot be solved.
It’s your choice. You’re either in the River of Shame or the River of Grace. You can’t be in both at the same time.
You are always alone in the River of Shame. You decide how long you stay there.
If you’re just looking for an audience, you’re operating out of a River of Shame position. You don’t need their help. You just want their attention.
And, even more than that, you want their approval.
Approval feeds what I call the Permission Economy. Approval gives you permission from the group to do whatever it is you want to do.
Why stay there, floundering in the River of Shame? Help is only available in the River of Grace. That’s how the game of life is set up.
No one can make it through on their own.
In order to connect and draw strength from the community of people around you, get in the River of Grace.
Knowing, of course, that you will continue to be tested constantly because that’s the reason for human life on this planet.
There’s no easy ride in either choice. But at least you won’t be alone.
Rocking the Boat causes shame problems to flourish.
In the River of Grace, when you do something “wrong”, expect consequences to follow.
This should not come as a surprise to you. In order to move forward with life, learning lessons and dealing with the lumps and bumps reserved just for you means staying in the River of Grace.
You lose only when you leave the River of Grace to transfer to the River of Shame. When you shut down emotionally, you self-transfer to the wrong place.
Ever since the dawn of man, people have been making mistakes. Technology helps mistakes happen faster and makes them public sooner. It’s the game we’re here to play.
The Clock Maker decides how much time you have to live your life, to play your game, and to complete your tests. The help you need from your community is only available in the River of Grace.
You will succeed or fail, but you won’t get kicked out of the River of Grace. Only you can remove yourself by transferring to the River of Shame. And that is a foolish move, indeed.
Consider Alex Kearns, suicide, age 20
In the River of Shame, you are alone, not thinking clearly.
You must reach out and ask for help.
“When you believe you deserve to feel shame, the trap sets itself and you get well and truly stuck.”
Cheryl Gwyneth Ragsdale
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Your action, your call for help, will generate a response.
In Alex’s case (below), probably an angry one from his parents. That’s natural. You can’t escape consequences, but at least someone, with a clear head, is joining the fight to sort things out. That’s what parents are for. But you must allow yourself to accept the help.
Often, that requires enduring the barrage of insulting reminders of what a (self-defined) loser you are. Yes, that is the definition of shaming. And it is emotionally horrifying for anyone and everyone.
No one escapes feeling that way unless you are a sociopath.
Everyone makes mistakes!
We all have to help each other. Don’t let shame stop you from asking for help. You might have to ask multiple people, multiple times. But in the end, it will be worth it.
Stuck in a Trap: “Alex Kearns died by suicide in June 2020 after he was led to believe he owed more than $730,000 after making some risky trades, court documents obtained by PEOPLE say. According to the lawsuit, Alex was sent an email demanding immediate action, asking for a minimum deposit payment of more than $170,000. When the college student attempted to reach customer service, he was unsuccessful.
‘Could someone please look into this?’, the college student [Alex] wrote in one of several emails to Robinhood seeking help. According to the suit, all he received was an automated email saying the support team would get back to him ‘as soon as possible, but that our response time to you may be delayed’.” Parents of Man Who Died Thinking He Lost Over $730,000 Sues Trading App Robinhood After Student Killed Himself
Self-shaming is unacceptable!
Perhaps, “We don’t have customer service available when you need it” was included in the terms and agreements that he probably agreed to without actually reading. Just like the rest of us trusting souls do all the time.
Alex died in June of 2020. Blame it on Covid. Maybe that’s why no one responded or answered the phone. I wrote about this type of phenomenon in a post entitled, “Call Me Back!”.
Call me back!
What a difference a Day makes.
People.com: “Tragically, the day after Alex took his own life, Robinhood finally returned his email — and it turned out that he didn’t owe any money at all.
‘Great news!’ the email — another automated message — said, according to CBS News. ‘We’re reaching out to confirm that you’ve met your margin call and we’ve lifted your trade restrictions. If you have any questions about your margin call, please feel free to reach out. We’re happy to help!’
‘It haunts me. It really does,’ Dan [Dad] said, adding that he believes Alex would still be alive if he had only received a prompt answer from the company.”
Who’s Rocking the Boat This Time?
Covid and its consequences caused the weak connections to surface.
It’s time to face whatever is shaming you. Especially things that you’ve buried.
Take the actions needed to resolve, repay, balance, apologize, or forgive.
Don’t stay in a place where you’re stuck and all alone, like an ostrich.
I created DramaGuru Revelation to work my way out of traps I’ve fallen into. I describe it as a game to give myself grace and room enough to see where I’m stuck and how I can get out. Analyzing my life situation using the cards helps me get to a neutral state. Once my emotions are settled, then I can work out my next steps.
Sometimes, the next steps are painful. Letting go. Breaking up. Paying fees. Accepting failure. Watching things end.
Walk away. Hold your tongue. Persevere. Learn from every loss and every mistake. Don’t give up. Live to fight another day.
Get up. Go to work or school. Eat. Sleep. Have fun. Play with your kids, friends, etc. Thank the Clock Maker for another chance to do it again when you wake up the next day. You’re still here!
Expect more tests to follow. Get better at escaping the traps you fall into.
Remember: You’re not alone. You’re not the only one with problems too big to handle on your own.
“The Jiu Jitsu I created was designed to give the weak ones a chance to face the heavy and the strong.”
Helio Gracie, Founder Gracie Jiu Jitsu 1925
This is a White Belt Level DramaGuru case — meaning the pattern itself is simple, not that the stakes were small. Simple traps are often the most dangerous ones, precisely because they don’t look like traps until it’s too late.
Updated: 4 August 2026
If you’re in a financial or emotional crisis and don’t know who to call, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) is free, confidential, and available right now. Outside the US or Canada, the International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a directory of crisis lines by country at befrienders.org.
Photo Credit: Man in turban holding CD by Dollar Gill on Unsplash
The game I call Demon Spotting developed over time as I worked through emotional entanglements and confusing break-ups. My misery became code words. Code words became mat drills. Mat drills became winning combinations. And my confusion lifted. Consider this your invitation to play. Clarity is freedom.