Floating in the River of Shame gets comfortable. People get used to explaining why they are there. After a while, they stop looking for an exit to jump through.
When you believe you deserve to feel shame, the trap sets itself and you get well and truly stuck. It’s like you’re doomed to remain in the one place where your problem cannot be solved.
It’s your choice. You’re either in the River of Shame or the River of Grace. You can’t be in both at the same time.
What’s the difference between the River of Shame and the River of Grace?
You are always alone in the River of Shame. You decide how long you stay there.
If you’re just looking for an audience, then probably, you’re operating out of a River of Shame position. You don’t need their help. You just want their attention.
Why stay there? Help is only available in the River of Grace. That’s how the game of life is set up. No one can make it through on their own.
In order to connect and draw strength from the community of people around you, get in the River of Grace. Knowing, of course, that you will be tested constantly because that’s the reason for human life on this planet.
There’s no easy ride in either choice.
Rocking the Boat to cause problems
In the River of Grace, when you do something “wrong”, expect consequences to follow.
This should not come as a surprise to you. In order to move forward with life, learning lessons and dealing with the lumps and bumps reserved just for you, means you have to stay in the River of Grace.
You only lose when you leave the River of Grace to transfer to the River of Shame.
When you shut down or close off emotionally, you transfer yourself to the wrong place.
Ever since the dawn of man, people have been making mistakes. Technology helps mistakes happen faster and makes them public sooner. It’s the game we’re here to play.
The Clock Maker decides how much time you have to live your life, play your game and complete your tests. The help you need from your community is only available in the River of Grace.
You will succeed or fail, but you won’t get kicked out of the River of Grace. Only you can remove yourself by transferring to the River of Shame.
Consider Alex Kearns, suicide, age 20
In the River of Shame, you are alone, not thinking clearly.
You must reach out and ask for help.
“When you believe you deserve to feel shame, the trap sets itself and you get well and truly stuck.”
Cheryl Ragsdale
Your action will generate a response.
In Alex’s case, probably, an angry one from his parents. That’s natural. You can’t escape consequences, but at least someone, with a clear head, is joining the fight to sort things out. That’s what parents are for. But you must allow yourself to accept the help.
Often, that requires enduring the barrage of insulting reminders of what a (self-defined) loser you are. Yes, that is the definition of shaming. And it is emotionally horrifying for anyone and everyone.
No one escapes feeling that way unless you are a sociopath.
Everyone makes mistakes!
We all have to help each other. Don’t let shame stop you from asking for help. You might have to ask multiple people, multiple times. But in the end, it will be worth it.
Stuck in a Trap: “Alex Kearns died by suicide in June 2020 after he was led to believe he owed more than $730,000 after making some risky trades, court documents, obtained by PEOPLE, say. According to the lawsuit, Alex was sent an email demanding immediate action asking for a minimum deposit payment of more than $170,000, and when the college student attempted to reach customer service, he was unsuccessful.
‘Could someone please look into this?’, the college student [Alex] wrote in one of several emails to Robinhood seeking help. According to the suit, all he received was an automated email saying the support team would get back to him ‘as soon as possible, but that our response time to you may be delayed’.” Parents of Man Who Died Thinking He Lost Over $730,000 Sues Trading App Robinhood After Student Killed Himself
Unacceptable!
Maybe, “we don’t have customer service available when you need it”, was included in the terms and agreements that he probably agreed to without actually reading. Just like the rest of us trusting souls do all the time.
Alex died in June of 2020. Blame it on Covid. Maybe that’s why no one responded or answered the phone. I wrote about this type of phenomenon in a post entitled, “Call Me Back!”.
What a difference a Day makes
People.com: “Tragically, the day after Alex took his own life, Robinhood finally returned his email — and it turned out that he didn’t own any money at all.
‘Great news!’ the email — another automated message — said, according to CBS News. ‘We’re reaching out to confirm that you’ve met your margin call and we’ve lifted your trade restrictions. If you have any questions about your margin call, please feel free to reach out. We’re happy to help!’
‘It haunts me. It really does,’ Dan [Dad] said, adding that he believes Alex would still be alive, if he had only received a prompt answer from the company.”
Who’s Rocking the Boat This Time?
Covid and it’s consequences are causing the weak connections to surface.
It’s time to face whatever is shaming you. Especially things that you’ve buried. Take the actions needed to resolve, repay, balance, apologize or forgive.
Don’t stay in a place where you’re stuck and all alone, like an ostrich.
I created DramaGuru Revelation to help work myself out of traps I’ve fallen into. I describe it as a game to give myself grace and room enough to see where I’m stuck and how I can get out. Analyzing my life situation using the cards helps me to get to neutral. Once my emotions are settled, then I can work out my next steps.
Sometimes, the next steps are painful. Letting go. Breaking up. Paying the fees. Accepting failure. Things end. Walk away. Hold your tongue. Persevere. Learn from every loss and every mistake.
Get up. Go to work or school. Eat. Sleep. Have fun, play with your kids, friends, etc. Thank the Clock Maker for another chance to do it again when you wake up the next day. You’re still here!
Expect more tests to follow. Get better at escaping the traps you fall into.
“The Jiu Jitsu I created was designed to give the weak ones, a chance to face, the heavy and the strong.”
Helio Gracie, Founder Gracie Jiu Jitsu 1925
This is a White Belt Level DramaGuru case.
Photo Credit: Man in turban holding CD by Dollar Gill on Unsplash
The game I call Demon Spotting developed over time as I worked through emotional entanglements and confusing break-ups. My misery became code words. Code words became mat drills. Mat drills became winning combinations. And my confusion lifted. Consider this your invitation to play. Clarity is freedom.